Manifestations of NPE Trauma
The last thing we expect, when we casually send off our DNA kits to be tested, is that we will ultimately find out that our biological father is not, in fact, the person we grew up knowing him to be. Although genetic testing companies caution clients that unexpected results are possible, no one anticipates that they themselves will be the subject of that warning. This sudden discovery is traumatic, and that trauma manifests in unique ways. Here are five things to be aware of as you grapple with a shocking surprise regarding the circumstances of your birth.
You will be able to manage your feelings and emotions. Right now, it may feel as though you will be stuck in this intense state forever. While it is true that you’re looking at establishing a new normal for yourself and those you love, there are tools available to help you find your way forward. A non-paternal event, or a late discovery of adoption or donor conception changes many things about who you think you are, but not everything. Some of the puzzle pieces that make you you are still there, and it is possible to rebuild on those fundamental parts of you.
No two responses to this trauma will be alike. Our previously perceived identity informs our response, and it has many dimensions: gender, culture, spiritual or religious beliefs, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, whether we are differently-abled, age, family traditions, nationality, educational achievements, and our geographic location. Who we have been to this point determines how we react to a DNA surprise.
There are some predictable physical and emotional manifestations of this particular brand of trauma and you may suffer from one, all, or a combination of them. They include fear, confusion, anger, shame, sadness, dissociation, grief, and numbness. Some people might also feel a sense of relief in finding out that they are not related to their “raised” family, or may experience excitement in learning that they belong to a new cultural or religious group.
The response to trauma can be ongoing. The psychologist Bessel van der Kolk tells us that any inescapable shock, such as that experienced in a non-paternal event (NPE), leads to significant biochemical changes in the body that can later be re-stimulated by far lesser shocks. A surprise DNA discovery is a profound challenge to our sense of self and belonging in the world, and we should not underestimate its rippling effects.
Be aware that some people may try to shame you for not getting over this trauma in what they think is a timely way. They might consider that your character is deficient in some way. People who have discovered a shocking truth about the circumstances surrounding their birth might be expected to just deal with it and move on. Those who make judgements about your perfectly valid response to this traumatic event do not understand the earth-shattering nature of this discovery.